And as 40 and somethings are finally being recognised as late but enthusiastic app-adopters, five per cent more of the market is moving towards this age group. Some apps such as Firstmet are specifically targeted at older users, with more than 97 per cent of their 30 million users being over Jo would have attested to this rise in the older online dating market - if she hadn't spent our entire meeting checking her phone.
There were texts from "Pete", messages from "Greg" and all sorts of other winky face emoji pinging through. When I asked her if she knew what she was looking for she pulled a face.
I can recognise this. Online dating can be great. It helps you meet new people. It reassures you that there's someone out there - the dating arena for the newly single something goes from being barren to full. For her, this isn't even the point. Yet she still feels upset and rejected if connections fizzle or men don't reply.
And here's the rub. The opportunities seem endless. But as author and human behaviouralist Alfie Kohn points out, being on countless apps can signal a potential risk of dating addiction. You spend part of your time trying to recover from, and make sense, of all these lovely people who won't give you the time of day, then the rest avoiding people you have no interest in. It can take over your life. So the very apps that are designed in order to help people to meet, are actually doing the opposite. The US Association of Psychological Science found that reviewing multiple candidates causes people to be more judgmental and inclined to dismiss a not-quite-perfect candidate than they would in a face-to-face meeting.
When I was single, after my long-term relationship with the father of three of my four children broke up after many years, I spent a couple of years online. Even though, three years ago, there were nowhere near as many apps as there are now, I understand how obsessive it can get. I think I almost lived for checking my dating sites, spending hours "talking" to men I ended up never actually meeting. It certainly staved off loneliness, and felt safer in many ways than risking a date, face-to-face, for which I had to grow a pretty thick skin.
The rejection is tough on both sides - the men you think sound wonderful but when you meet them they are not what they seem, or maybe you like them but they don't like you. I eventually met my husband via Facebook we had mutual friends, but soon moved our connection into the real world. My best friend met his now wife on Tinder. So success stories do happen, but they're outnumbered by the thousands of singles having more of a relationship with their phones than with each other.
I’m addicted to dating apps – but I don’t want a date
In my work as a relationship therapist and love coach, I meet clients of plus of both sexes who are obsessively dating. You like your virtual popularity, and even if your real dates are not always successful, you cheer yourself up by logging in to your favorite dating site or app to reassure yourself that there are plenty of fish in the dating sea. It can turn into reality when you shift it offline. All kinds of addiction begin as a way to escape boredom. Many millennials fall prey to the illusion of romantic relationships that dating sites and apps create.
It can be compared to gambling: Dating addiction is not an official diagnosis. However, its mechanisms are the same as in any other type of addiction. What causes dating site addiction? You realize that there are millions of single people looking for a match simultaneously with you, and this makes you explore the dating pool thoroughly.
Men contact dozens of women, pay compliments, flirt and chat extensively. Women receive much attention from the opposite sex, read compliments, and enjoy flirting too. The state of excitation and euphoria caused by all those flirtatious chats and the abundance of virtual romantic dates is actually the result of the active production of dopamine and serotonin — chemicals that make you happy and in love. They get obsessed with the process the game — they are not aimed at getting attached to and exclusive with someone. Why should they make some effort in real life if there on a dating site they can easily approach someone they like or be approached and complimented by hundreds of admirers?
Why should they focus on one person and develop a relationship with them if they can change online partners literally every day or correspond with several people at once?
Love Addiction, Codependency & Internet Dating
The truth is, people addicted to dating sites take the risk of spending years online without ever having a real relationship offline. A lot of people are addicted to their smartphones. There is always something interesting to check out or watch, especially if you have an unlimited access to the Internet. What is the last thing we see when we go to bed and the first thing we reach out for in the morning? Most dating sites have not only their desktop version but also a mobile one, which means you can interact with your virtual friends and look for new matches non-stop.
Some dating services exist only as mobile apps. One of the main parameters of dating apps, such as the good old Tinder, is addictivity.
A large number of dating come up with new ideas and algorithms for their services. Users answer a series of questions and then an app matches them with people who give the same answers. It turns into a quiz and is really absorbing. Many people start perceiving dating apps as game apps. They forget that there are real people hiding behind the profile photos.
You set some search parameters and then study the profiles of the proposed matches. Yet, there is a spirit of competition that encourages people to pay for extra features to get their profiles to the top to get more views. The developers of the new generation of dating apps have realized that people are too focused on the dating game itself rather than on meeting people. They condemn the swiping culture and want to emphasize that a dating app is a tool for securing a date, not for endless chatting and flirting without any progress. Such dating apps as Clover, Pure, or HowAboutWe minimize the time spent on virtual chit-chat and help people find themselves on a date shortly after exchanging several messages or right after agreeing to meet in a particular place at a particular time.
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Endless resources infer endless searches. This is how the dating industry can be characterized in a nutshell. And this is what facilitates an Internet dating site addiction. The compulsive use of dating services changes your attitude to relationships.
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You stop perceiving each of your partners as unique. In 10 minutes, you can not only see hundreds of girls from different cities and countries but also scan their profiles. In real life, it would take you a year. The desire to woo and win a girl disappears — you know there are other single women out there.
Love Addiction, Codependency & Internet Dating
The abundance of choice leads to emotional burnout. According to psychologists and anthropologists, people are able to maintain a close emotional connection with not more than people. Today, thanks to the Internet, you can communicate with a lot more people.
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Why do people get addicted to online dating and the process of meeting new people?