How Relationship Ready Men Respond to Competition
There's no way to sidestep it. I've been the guy-victim of this sort of thing once. I went out on 5 or so dates with a girl and fell for her pretty darned quickly. I finally worked up the nerve to kiss her but we had held hands, fallen asleep snuggled together after a late night of talking, etc etc prior to this and that's when she finally decided to tell me she's seeing other people and "can't be tied down" Not cool at all. I would like to clarify these two points: I have never even been tempted to cheat on someone I was exclusive with, but Some Guy I'm Dating wanting to know who else I hang out with feels, to me, similar to a girlfriend going "Oh, you can't go to the movies Tuesday?
Who are you hanging out with?!? This was not a case of me - clearly kind of a hussy for daring to go to the movies with two dudes in one week! Thanks for the advice to be frank, and to bring it up early on. I would tend to assume nothing until we've had a conversation about exclusivity, but this is, I now realize, not something I should assume about other people.
Topic: Do I tell him I'm seeing other men?
I assume that everyone involved could be seeing other people unless otherwise stated, but once someone asks the right thing to do is to be honest, and not with the sort of technical truthtelling where you sidestep the question and distract the person from it either. I don't think it's his business if he isn't yet my boyfriend.
Asking such a question may be his way of trying to establish if he is your boyfriend. If that's the case, and you don't want to answer, then you obviously want something different, and you're doing both of you a favor by answering honestly, even if that results in the end of the relationship. Maybe he just wants to see where he stands?
Don't sidestep it, be honest. Though if you are bothered by the question, why don't you tell him that the question bothers you and explain why it bothers you. Or if this is all too much, you can always run away screaming and waving your arms: Don't be irritated, let him know gently that you're seeing other people, and if he freaks out and runs away, you don't want to be dating him anyway.
If it were me, I'd think to myself "OK, I'll be patient and let her find out what I'm like, and hopefully she'll wind up wanting to date me exclusively.
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He's asking because he wants to know where he stands. You may see this as just a way to spend some time, but he may be thinking this could go somewhere or be more interesting. If you're not looking for that, that is completely fine, but it's not out of line for him to bring it up at some point. If the relationship were going to go somewhere, how would he be expected to know? It's not his business to tell you what to do, but it's certainly his business to ask you what's up and where he stands in it all.
If you're happy keeping things casual, just make that clear. Some people may also ask this question before getting physical. The reason I find this irritating is because the fellows who have asked me this have been sort of overwrought about it sort of like some of these answers. It's not them, it's you. Consciously or not, you are leading them on. For one thing, the "seeing multiple people" thing is mostly a relic of an earlier age. Most girls don't have a different suitor every night of the week anymore, any more than they go to box socials and neck in Stutz Bearcats.
Sure, some girls enjoy juggling as many guys as they possibly can, but its not the norm, and they're usually so flagrant about it that the guy isn't surprised.
Just for the record, hmsbeagle, as a young-ish urban guy, I think drjimmy11's comment above is completely out in left field. I don't think there's anything at all unusual about dating multiple people, in fact I think it's downright common and completely to be expected. Sure, most people are doing it with the ultimate goal of getting serious with someone, but that doesn't mean you're being "awkward" or "leading people on" in the meantime. I'd say answer honestly if and when asked, and definitely point it out if things are going to move forward into a more physical basis, but otherwise it's up to you.
At the level of commitment you are describing, an expectation of exclusivity is unreasonable. I think the folks kicking it at the box socials were more interested in monogamy in all possible relationships than folks are now. Indeed, in grandfather's day, if you went to the moving pictures with a gal, that meant you were engaged. Of course, you got to bundle then, which was nice.
There is a difference, even though that difference is often very subtle. However, it most assuredly IS his business. Anyone who believes otherwise for even one moment is delusional. If you will bear with an extreme example, if you were dating some guy just casually, would you want to know if he were married?
What would your response be if you asked and he avoided the question or said "none of your business"? If asked, a simple "Yes, I am seeing a few other men casually" is sufficient.
If he wants to know more after that, he'll ask. However, understand he is probably asking because he probably cares. As evidenced above, there are some people like rkent who think it is completely normal to have many suitors, and you have people like drjimmy who believe it is abnormal. A lot of it has to do with the goals. Some people view dating as a social activity, having someone to go to the movies or to dinner with, no big whoop.
Do I tell him I'm seeing other men?
Others date as primarily a mate-finding activity. Those in the second category will be very interested to know if you are dating others, and may very well be scared off if you are. When I was single, there were three classifications of girls I was interested in: A female to go grab a bite with or see a movie. No expectation of romantic feelings or sex. No dating, probably no dinner and no movie, just sex; hook-ups. People I was sexually and emotionally attracted to that I was auditioning for the role of sole partner.
The world is divided rather starkly between people who consider 1 "dating" and 3 "dating". My limit was always 1 other suitor. My goal of dating was generally to find someone to have a relationship with, so I am firmly entrenched in 3. In fact, I don't consider 1 "dating" at all.
If a girl had 3 or 4 suitors, then she was no longer in the running for 3 and got moved to 1 pretty quickly. If he's going to read too much into it, he's going to read too much into it. The best you can do to reduce this is to honestly answer the question he asked. After that, you might consider saying 'Why do you ask?
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If you are not prepared to take his answer at full face value, one or both of you has something seriously wrong with them: He's got an honesty problem, or you've got a preposterously wrong understanding of what relationships are, or both. So if you can't discuss this with someone, stop going out with him. Assume this guy wants to know where he really stands with you.
This is pretty reasonable. Maybe he wants to go exclusive. Maybe he doesn't, but he wonders if you do. Maybe it's something else. Whatever it is, if you are going on dates with him, the significance of those dates is certainly his business: A date is a communication, and any communication deserves an accuracy check. So he's got to determine this.
He can use the only realistically effective, decent means of finding out, namely asking; and he can seek out the only authority on the subject, namely you. Or he can assume you lost all interest in everyone else the moment you first saw him, or assume he will always be just a plaything to you, or assume that you went exclusive if you accepted a third date, or a fourth date, or some other number that he heard from a friend or read in a men's magazine or rolled on 2d6 divided by two rounded up.
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Cute you're banging and dating two guys at once.. I hope you're at least using protection. Do you mean should you be honest and open, communicating any pertinent information that might adversely affect your future with him?