That would be the biggest tragedy of your situation.
Should Catholics date people who are divorced?
I will assume your boyfriend and his ex-wife are both Catholic and were married in the Catholic Church. I know that he is Catholic, but you did not mention that she is. I also do not know if their marriage took place in the Catholic Church. I am just going to assume it did and the marriage was not annulled. This would be the most important and objective aspect of your situation that I hope will give you clarity and also rest your mind, because it is a very liberating reality.
Your boyfriend is still married in the eyes of God. His ex-wife is still married in the eyes of God.
And probably assuming you were married to a non-Catholic Christian and not a Catholic your marriage was also sacramental, according to Church teaching. All it does is help settle the legal obligations to each other at the civil level. It most certainly does not do anything to their moral obligations at the spiritual level. Their vows before God cannot be dissolved by a civil court. Only a Church court i. If they determine it was not sacramental, then they issue a degree of nullity. The Tribunal has the authority to impose on the individuals whether or not they are free to marry in the Church, even with the decree of nullity.
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Therefore, you are dating a married man, which you are not permitted to do. God cannot call a person to a vocation when they are already in a vocation. So if you want to do the right thing for your boyfriend, and for yourself and for the children and all others involved , you will end the dating relationship. This is the right thing to do, and it will make God happy and He will bless you accordingly. Maybe He does ultimately have it in mind that you will be married to this man in the future, but that is not for you to assume, nor to plan, nor try to manipulate. You need to step back and let God make this happen the right way, if at all.
By ending the romantic relationship, you are telling your boyfriend that you love him enough to let him go, and give him to God. And you tell God you love Him above all things, and respect the institution of marriage more than your own desires. Your boyfriend needs to get his situation straightened out first, and so do you. I know it will not be easy, but I advise you to tell your boyfriend that you have to step aside and allow him to focus on resolving his own situation without the distraction of the two of you as a couple.
Encourage him to approach the Tribunal of the Diocese he belongs to and begin the annulment process.
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And once you become Catholic, you need to do the same. Go back to just being friends, or take a long break from him where you do not see him at all while he sorts this out, with the understanding that you might never see him again. Your being in the picture can only distract him. I realize that you are in love with this man, but he is not yours. And until he is free to marry, which means he is free to date, he cannot be yours to exchange hearts with.
If he proceeds with the annulment process, you can be a friend until it is finalized. Many of us, looking back, realize that God was simply not a part of our decision to marry. In my case, I never asked God, never gave God the chance to stop my headlong and headstrong determination to get married.
And God was trying to get my attention. There were real problems. My intended was heading to a war zone for a year, and friends and family counseled me to wait. But I would not listen. We have all attended enough weddings to recall what the priest or deacon always asks a couple at the beginning of the marriage ceremony: Therefore, you should refrain from making comments or asking prying questions. Perhaps we divorced Catholics are overly sensitive, but certain statements and inquiries are like rubbing salt into a very sore wound.
The bottom line is this: Such questions and comments just hurt, and they are unfair. Just love that person. There are a variety of reasons why marriages fail. There is no way a husband or wife can save a marriage single-handedly. It is wrong to ask for details before you support your divorced friend, family member or parishioner.
Dating a divorced Catholic
People should not have to justify their actions before they are loved for who they are. Many other divorced Catholics can say the same. Divorce has released me spiritually, mentally and emotionally to become the person God created me to be. I have been able to move on to a life that is fuller, happier and more creative.
The most important change is this: My relationship with God is better today than it ever has been. When I was freed from an impossible, dysfunctional marriage, my relationship with God blossomed. I had some initial worries about my spiritual status when I began the process, but God quickly reassured and comforted me as I went through and beyond my divorce. The psychological counseling and spiritual direction I received during my divorce made me a healthier person than I ever was before. I have worked through the deep problems caused by my dysfunctional childhood.
I have faced and forgiven everyone who helped shape my early years in negative ways.
From Susan K. Rowland
And I understand and embrace my individuality. Yes, divorce was a painful passage to go through, but I am a better person today because of it. I get a lot of comments, concern and advice about finding someone when people learn I have been divorced for eight years. I really am happy as a single person, and not at all lonely or bitter about the past because I choose to remain single.
I understood right from the beginning of my new life as a single person that, in order to be happy in a new relationship, I would have to be happy just being me and being single. Does that shock you? It means that I love you and I love the institution of marriage. I was sure my marriage would never end. At the same time, I was unaware of what makes a healthy marriage and very much in denial about our problems. My marital problems went a lot deeper than most, but every marriage needs constant care.
And every marriage can use a tune-up now and then: Marriage takes a lot of work. I am delighted when friends and co-workers tell me that watching what I went through eight years ago or hearing me talk now about my divorce compelled them to take a second look at their own marriages, strengthen what was weak and recommit themselves to the relationship.
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The divorced have a great deal to teach the married about what a good, healthy and Christian marriage really is.