I deserve an Oscar for this performance. A Tony if my vagina could detach itself and dance around this bed. That would be so fucking weird. What the fuck time is it? Holy shit, it is 4 a. Your dick is alright.
Ugh, I need a nap. Condom on, socks off, put it in. Your sex face is really weirding me out right now. Sure, you can do me from behind, whatever. This sheet is nice and cold on my face. Welp, you flipped me back over. Everything about this is whatever. Your pecs are nice. Woooo, those kamikazes feel awesome sloshing around in my stomach! You make a really weird noise. You sound like a mix between an old jalopy starting and a radio with bad reception.
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You collapse on top of me. Sir, we are not close enough for you to lie on top of me. How is it that I hate when strangers touch me on the metro but I love banging strangers I met at the bar an hour ago? I smell like your sweat and the barf-worthy aroma of latex condoms. Walk of shame time! Too lazy to shower your sweat and my make-up off my body. Your sex face is burned into my retinas. Nothing terrifies me more than being so close to someone and then watching them become a stranger again.
Someone seriously took a snapshot of my most annoyed and almost shameful moments in my life and typed it out. There are about 5 writers on TC worth reading. But she may be fucking one of them. Except, I remember doing this in parking lots. A very cynical and sarcastic attitude towards the everyday activity of anonymous sex, I like this a lot. This article was funny and well written and totally unique. TC never publishes articles about bored, shameful hook ups.
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This is new and interesting. People like you are the reason I usually enjoy reading the comments section far more than the article itself. I am a [twenty something] female. Hooking up randomly at bars makes me feel independent. I think Chelsea Handler is a good writer. Hey, do you girls smoke cigarettes? He didn't fit with my politics, my views, I'd never have introduced him to my friends.
In bed, though, he was passionate, eager, energetic. For a while, we'd hook up every six weeks. But there were a lot of negatives. It could feel … seedy. Where do you go for sex? I didn't feel comfortable taking someone back to my place, as he'd then know where I lived, and I live alone.
If we went back to his, I'd have no idea what to expect. With "Aldgate East", we had to walk through a pub to get to the bedroom and I swear there was a train going through the lounge. You're trusting people you barely know. After a few dates with "Manchester", I agreed to visit his hotel room next time he was in London.
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I'd always been diligent about practising safe sex, but he had trouble getting in the mood with the condoms and went against my wishes at the last moment. The next morning I wrote him an angry text.
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I've never felt so violated. Most often, though, I didn't have sex at all. I generally left home open to the possibility but found, when my date showed up, that I didn't want to see him again, let alone see him naked. There was no spark, or he was dull or gross or just too pushy. One date chased me to the tube trying to shove his tongue down my throat. Another — who started promisingly — changed after his second drink, spilling a glass of wine on me without apologising, and cutting me off each time I spoke.
It can be harder to walk away when you've met through Tinder. When you're matched, you can spend days — in some cases, weeks, months — exchanging messages, texting and working yourselves up, filling in the gaps with your imagination.
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By the time you meet, you've both invested so much, you've raised your hopes and his. In some ways Tinder can even work against you finding a partner. I met one guy who was a likely contender for a boyfriend. We went on five dates without sex, just a kiss and a hug. Then one night, he arrived at my place stinking of booze and likely high on something. The sex was over in seconds — a massive anticlimax after such a build-up. We never saw each other again. If we'd met another way, that could have been a blip, an awkward beginning. On Tinder everything's disposable, there's always more, you move on fast.
You start browsing again, he starts browsing — and you can see when anyone was last on it. If five days pass with no messaging between you, it's history. At times, Tinder seemed less like fun, more like a gruelling trek across an arid desert of small talk and apathetic texting. More than once, I deleted the app, but always came back to it. It was more addictive than gambling. I never dreamed I'd end up dating 57 men in less than a year.
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I'm off it now. Four months ago, I met a man — "Hackney Boy" — through Tinder and at first, I carried on seeing him and dating others. After a while, he wanted to get more serious. He's older than me and didn't want to waste time with Tinder any more. I had one last fling with "French Guy", then made a decision to stop. What did Tinder give me? I had the chance to live the Sex and the City fantasy. It has made me less judgmental and changed my attitude to monogamy too.