Infidelity rates are somewhere around 50 percent for men. Right" away from his wife—even if it means taking an increasingly tenuous emotional risk. If women like Susan are very fortunate they'll learn more about the behavioral statistics of men who cheat before they decide to deepen their emotional risk. In comparison to married men who cheat, the majority of women who enter into affairs with married men report that they do so because they are in love or falling in love with him.
There may be a vast disconnect between what Susan is thinking and what this man she thinks is the man of her dreams is thinking. It may be morally or ethically wrong; it just depends who you ask. But this article is not about judgement.
It's simply about understanding our natural tendencies and their origins. If a woman in Susan's position digs deep enough into the infidelity blogs and self-help guides and finds these facts, she may just save herself before he ends the relationship. And, according to infidelity studies, this will likely happen around year three or four. Maybe his wife is starting to suspect something. But year four seems to be a drop-dead date in the data. Whether she discovers these facts or not, her heart is destined to be broken.
Broken relationships lead to broken hearts. However, some data point to the possibility that a broken heart after ending it with a married person can be much more difficult to heal than a broken heart after a more traditional relationship. Researchers point to several possibilities. She may feel like a double-loser, as she or he did not win over someone who, as all signs indicated, was less desirable.
They may feel that the reasons for ending it should be obvious to their affair partner, and that she or he should just take it like a "big girl. Whether through shame, a desire to protect the cheater, or both, it is often true that no one knows of the relationship. If friends know, it may be only a best friend, or those in a close circle. And so, victims of broken relationships with married partners are often isolated, with little emotional support to help them heal. I tried to be friends with this woman who was having an affair with a married man. Hearing her naive, selfish and foolish words about the affair was just too much for me.
Perhaps you can say to your friend: To all who have suggested that I tell the wife — I might consider doing so If I knew him or his wife.
My Friend is 'Dating' a Married Man
My friend lives in a different state so I have never met her … whatever he is. I think the thing that bothers me the most is her complete lack of empathy towards the wife. It troubles me to hear no remorse from her over her part in the eventual fallout this relationship will have for her or the children. And that makes me think less of her as person. I do believe that my friend makes it my business when she calls me specifically to talk about and to hear my advice about her relationship.
And yes, I am terribly disappointed in her actions as I would be if anyone I loved did something like this. Find support, ask questions, swap stories, and follow brides planning real weddings here on Weddingbee. Closed My best friend is having an affair with a married man posted 5 years ago in Relationships. September So, as the title says, my best friend is having an affair or whatever you want to call it with a married man. DuckyPDuckerson 5 years ago Wedding: Stay strong because you could very well lose a good friend. December Tricky situation!
EffieTrinket 5 years ago Wedding: January I think it is wrong to date a married man.. Schatzie 5 years ago Wedding: And Wow, I guess I am surprised so many people are ok with single people dating married people. I feel like everything in the world is turning upside down on everything anymore. Like things are all backwards anymore. I guess I just don't fit in anymore. Your opinions line up with some people's and not with others'. There's not a monolithic morality in the US where I think you are though there may be within some subcultures.
More to the point, there are edge case situations mine is uncannily similar to DarlingBri, my parents were married for another few decades after the separated, stayed together for I don't remember health insurance or whatever that may be central to some people's lives.
My best friend is having an affair with a married man
And some of those people are here. So I wouldn't worry too much about this. It's fine to set your own boundaries with a friend and within your own personal relationships as you have done. It's just also useful to understand that those values belong to you and not necessarily to the entire world so sometimes you may want to make different choices in how you prioritize, say, your feelings about marriage versus your feelings about friendship.
As I said, I think you made the right decision for you. Life is frequently more complex than we would like it to be. Is probably why divorce is not being actively pursued. At the end of the day, though, it's up to you what you want in your life and don't want in your life, so if you feel relieved by the decision you made, then it's the right one for you. A lot of people stay married for legal reasons, like health care for a disabled child or adult for years after the relationship is over. It wouldn't be a deal breaker for me if it was some reason like that. In this day and age separated is enough for dating.
As long as they really are separated and he's not in town for work and making up a story. In the end it's the same - you get to shun whomever you want - but there'd be a lot more people agreeing that this woman is shun-worthy. This sounds like a woman dating a man whose marriage is over and has moved to a different city and is moving on. It's not the same thing as homewrecking.
And plenty of people here have experience with long separations and are explaining why it's not the same thing as being party to the breakup of a marriage.
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I don't disagree with your take on possible risks to your friend in this situation. People can be fairly confused fresh off a split like that, and they do sometimes get back together with their exes.
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If she's in her late 40s, and into this for love , sure, it'd be ideal if she had a clear indication that she was this guy's 1 priority. A divorce would certainly indicate that, though as people are saying, there might be complications and variations that don't exclude non-divorce from good intentions. And he does live in a different city from his ex, which absent some other explanation is a pretty good sign he's keen to move on.
I think it's a little worrying that she's so full of butterflies that she's actively avoiding thinking about the possibility, though. But I'm also wondering if she actually meant that even if he is attempting reconciliation with his wife, that she would still want to date him, and that it did not matter to her because she likes him THAT much.
I guess I might have focused less on judgment and more on concern for her. But yeah, this horse doesn't want to drink your water! I might have drawn some kind of boundary though, if her level of need got to be overwhelming, probably temporarily. Maybe I'd have suggested counselling or something. I don't think it's a great situation, but what heyjude said is probably why it's going on. But if you can't take having to hear about that situation, it's probably good if you nope out now.
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- (Closed) My best friend is having an affair with a married man.
Ach yeah I have seen this happen. The deceit went on for almost a year. Devastated my friend who is incredibly open-minded and readily accepted his modern explanations of his modern arrangement It's a valid concern. What I would have done: In my experience, I've never found that friends and acquaintances really want relationship advice when they ask for it, they just want validation.
I try to listen as best I can and change the topic if I feel unable to refrain from saying something negative. If I feel that someone is making a choice that I find absolutely morally reprehensible generally this has happened to me with respect to other values, not relationship choices, but ymmv I stop hanging out with that person. I would caution that being separated and actually going through the process of being divorced are two VERY different things. The former is like any other breakup.
The latter is, for some, a hellish, emotionally draining process of turning a relationship you thought was over into a financial transaction. If she's willing to stick around through that, bob's your uncle. But she should be prepared for what she's in for. People put off getting divorced for all sorts of reasons that don't involve cheating on their separated spouse. In your shoes, I'd have bought up my concerns once, maybe twice if she absolutely insisted and then dropped the whole thing and let her find out this information about HER relationship as HER relationship evolved.
It's not even clear that these two ever met in real life, which is where most people would feel comfortable divulging personal information to a complete stranger. You seem to have jumped to a conclusion that your friend was helping a married man cheat when you have no idea, so I'm not surprised she got upset. What would I do? Mind my own business.
My friend wants to date a married man is actually your former friend is dating a separated man. You're in your late forties, and have been divorced for nearly 20 years. You've written that you knew you and your ex-friend had different value systems, even before her new relationship came up. When she hounded you for advice, you could've stated your reservations and then requested it not be a topic of conversation as the subject made you uncomfortable. You were right to end the friendship given your discomfort. I'm just confused why you had to drag the process out, and why you're conducting an opinion poll now and favoriting your own contributions, and the one answer that has your stance unequivocally in the right.
It's a big, varied world, and she's an adult making her own decisions. I'm sorry your friendship was a bad fit, and that its dissolution is not bringing you joy, either. Ok so your friend was using you, right?