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Why Every Guy Should Date A Goth Girl At Least Once
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While everybody else found the goth girls to be terrifying, I found them oddly alluring.
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Others thought their morbid, sadsack dispositions was the ultimate turnoff, but I thought it was inexplicably entrancing. Others saw them and wanted to run screaming the other opposite direction; I fantasized about running towards them, and being welcomed into their herd with loving, polka dot warmer-draped arms. So, that eighth grader I was talking about earlier?
She was probably the first major crush of my adolescence. Even now, I have no clue what her name was, but I will never forget seeing her at the bus stop for the first time. She was clad in fishnet arm bands, was rocking the kind of boots I had only seen in Hellraiser movies and her makeup was about one shade away from being a quasi-offensive appropriation of Kabuki theater.
Of course, I never responded.
How to Attract a Goth Girl: 12 Steps (with Pictures) - wikiHow
So, deep in my prefrontal cortex, that type of female — the one who wears dresses right out of a Bauhaus music video, has earrings shaped like demonic stalactites and whose idea of dolling up means putting on a slightly less faded Slayer tee shirt — became my go-to female ideal.
Throughout high school and college, I more or less homed in on all of the pale girls who wore Invader Zim shirts and hated their parents. Indeed, my very first makeout was with a girl wearing a literal pentagram on her forehead and I was introduced to the joys of carnal pleasure by a young woman whose entire makeup chest was filled with nothing but novelty Halloween lipsticks and nail polishes.
In fact, I soon learned that there are indeed five genuses of goth girl, each with her very own idiosyncratic quirks: She claims to be a dark, poetic soul, but really, she just likes to wear purple a lot. The only thing in her purse are a couple of wadded up dollar bills, the cheapest cigarettes at 7-Eleven and a switchblade. She plans on getting a PH. You absolutely cannot leave the house until she has her winged eyeliner down perfect.
She paints her nails every other day and she makes at least one trip to Ulta a week.
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- More than 1000 Festivals of Rock, Goth & Metal.
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She never wears any makeup … or deodorant, for that matter. Brushing her hair and teeth are infrequent occurrences.
She seemingly only wants to kiss you right after she sucked down a Camel cigarette or peeled her lips off her dragon-shaped bong. All her jewelry is pewter, she farts in public and she spends at least half of the day playing League of Legends. After all, to do that means you have to get up off the couch every now and then. Yeah, sometimes you get a mixture of two or three of them, but by and large? That encompasses the entirety of the female goth varieties. Each subset has its pros and cons, its faults and benefits, something to admire and adore and something to detest and despise.
Because goth girls — for better or worse — represent the most diverse range of female personality types.
Some are incredibly chill, while others are pretentious and — ironically — stuck-up. Others are nauseatingly banal, downright obsessive and, on the deep, deep side of the pool , positively deranged.
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Even as fleeting, transitory relationships, they provide you with something to remember about both the fairer sex and who and what you are as a person. Spend a year dating nothing but goth girls, however, and an entire cosmos of previously unrevealed knowledge befalls you. Hell, you might even find one that is just the right fit , and who knows?