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Never married — no kids. Wow, I think we dated the same guy. When it was happening, I was furious but now I can look back and laugh at myself and that assclown. Let me take it a little bit further since I was involved with one.. Say you wanted to start an exercise program and you are talking with one of your close friends and you are excited about the idea because they are so exited by the idea. We are just not enough of a priority to them unfortunately.

MH — i think the exercise analogy is a great one! How many people have joined a gym usually just after Christmas , with all the best intentions in the world? Men like my ex EUM should just do the world a favour and stay at home with mummy who he still lives with. I have some difficulty trying to get my head around this: But these guys, if they have been doing this dance a number of times, and most of them have, do know that they are misleading people and are happy enough to do that for as long as it suits them and for as long as you stick around.

And also, what about the lies? These are consciously deliberate and scheming… so I suppose I have to put mine largely into the calculating manipulator box… how depressing! And I bet he would have the cheek to be profoundly offended by that.

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If they are not calculating manipulators then at the very least they are careless. The amount of hurt at the end of the day is pretty much the same. Though physical abuse enters a different arena as they could actually kill you. Otherwise, just careless can be worse, at least with the total ACs you know what you were dealing with! They were all crap and we all put up with it!

The ultimate question is why do we allow ANY of it. Just as soon as I reciprocated he split and did so in a way that was hurtful and seemed to me that was his intention all along. I almost wonder if he desperately needed an ego stroke and shag, as he lied about who he was, his life, finances etc. My mind keeps going back to the why of the behavior? And, they must practice it over and again. Another good post NML! My EUM was, in my opinion, incredibly immature and insecure. The sad thing is if he would find the confidence and self esteem he should have with all his accomplishments, he probably could be a decent, respectful human being.

In my situation, I think I surprised him by ending things. Wow I relate to your comment. When it becomes real, they chicken out. Much easier to pick a few traits out in YOU and call you a psycho and disappear. One of the toughest things to realize is only these people know the true reasons behind their behaviours but that would require them to look at their own behaviours and actually examine them. I am like you all, I want to know too.

Each and every one of your explainations could apply to one of our guys, some of them, all of them, and many other explainations could be waiting in the wings that fit these, who knows. I think we each on here seek comfort and want to roll the ideas we have, and see if it makes sense to us. At times it can be unfair to who we are speculating about. I give my two cents too but then afterwards I say who knows it could be another reason, sometimes down the road I change my thinking and I come to another conclusion.

Both Figuringitout and Columbia made fair points about these guys and I want to add to the speculation pool. They realized they could no longer fool you so they moved on to someone they could for the next while. I am basing this on pure common sense. Common sense says move on and scam someone else.

Some are probably like poor, desperate, people when they have to put food on their table and scam their way into some money. Others are calculating manipulators just in it for their gain. I wish someone could sit a bunch of these guys down and make them answer but it might not help us and just give us more questions to ask. NML sums it up: They are living on planet Me. Bear in mind the one major problem they have — profoundly conflicting fears surrounding intimacy and commitment; they simultaneously want intimacy and also fear it, hence the chasing and the running away, the pushey-pulley game.

The best you can say for them is that they are emotionally retarded; they feel genuine anxiety about committing themselves to anything. We should be focusing on our own behavior and issues that brought us to this point. I heard literally hours and hours of it over the course of 20 years.

And you know what? Not that I care anymore. Cut him off for good last month. When I told my Eum that I think we want different things out of life, he just argued with me and made it out that I am being silly. He text for hours every ten minutes while he was at work on a fork lift. Begging me not to dump him.

I know my story is reversed about me giving him a reason and we are warned that they are going to fight us but I have seen many fall back girls do the same as him. My EUM never wanted out openly and I preferred that. I preferred being let on because it made me feel that he cared more than my AC. Even though now I know that was crazy. I look back and it was easier to take that he would lead me on because it kind of felt like he lied or did what he did because at least he was trying to keep me around.

I think as crazy as this sounds for me to admit it was better than facing the music that my AC could just cut me off like that. Just being honest at the risk of sounding crazy. I was happy many times that he talked me out of it. I wanted him to because that was before I found this site and I thought it meant he really was into me or something.

I think it cushioned the blow for when I finally dumped him. On the other hand, my ex completely left me alone in the end. When I said go away he did. I was still able to work through my grief even though he lerked around in the background.

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I have never seen him again and that was helpful. I am sorry all but I think we all had to be drip fed or lead on to see our reflections in the mirror of what is our issue.