Very few relationships start on terms other than sweetness and politeness. Both you and the date are guarded, trying to obtain information about the other as much as possible without seeming like a police detective. Romantic relationships can be wonderful with the right person.
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A damaging adult partner can damage us, damage our loved ones, and even damage the way we feel about love and romance in the future. We all know to avoid people that appear insane or abusive and not select them as a dating partner. However, some individuals are better at hiding their personality and behavior abnormalities. These are characteristics that they accept simply as the way they are and not a problem or psychological difficulty.
If your partner possesses even one of these features, there is risk in the relationship. Male losers often begin with behaviors that move you physically or hit the wall. Female losers often slap, kick and even punch their male partners when upset.
Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment — not three weeks. You will also hear of violence in their life. You will see and witness this temper — throwing things, yelling, cursing, driving fast, hitting the walls, and kicking things. At first, you will be assured that they will never direct the hostility and violence at you — but they are clearly letting you know that they have that ability and capability — and that it might come your way.
Later, you fear challenging or confronting them — fearing that same temper and violence will be turned in your direction. This gradual chipping away at your confidence and self-esteem allows them to later treat you badly — as though you deserved it. Cutting Off Your Support In order to control someone completely, you must cut off their supportive friends — sometimes even their family. You will withdraw from friends and family, prompting them to become upset with you.
Once you are isolated and alone, without support, their control over you can increase. The cycle starts when they are intentionally hurtful and mean. You may be verbally abused, cursed, and threatened over something minor. Suddenly, the next day they become sweet, doing all those little things they did when you started dating. You hang on, hoping each mean-then-sweet cycle is the last one.
They give you the impression that you had it anger, yelling, assault coming and deserved the anger, violence, pouting, or physical display of aggression. They shower you with phone calls, often every five minutes, hoping that you will make an agreement or see them just to stop the telephone harassment. Some call your relatives, your friends, their friends, and anyone else they can think of — telling those people to call you and tell you how much they love you.
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Creative losers often create so much social pressure that the victim agrees to go back to the bad relationship rather than continue under the social pressure. Their reaction is emotionally intense, a behavior they use to keep you an emotional prisoner. If you go back to them, you actually fear a worse reaction if you threaten to leave again making you a prisoner and they later frequently recall the incident to you as further evidence of what a bad person you are.
Remember, if your prize dog jumps the fence and escapes, if you get him back you build a higher fence. If you have an individual activity, they demand that they accompany you, making you feel miserable during the entire activity. The idea behind this is to prevent you from having fun or interests other than those which they totally control. If you speak to a member of the opposite sex, you receive twenty questions about how you know them. They will notice the type of mud on your car, question why you shop certain places, and question why you called a friend, why the friend called you, and so forth.
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They may begin to tell you what to wear, what to listen to in music, and how to behave in public. Eventually, they tell you that you can not talk to certain friends or acquaintances, go certain places, or talk about certain issues in public.
When in public, you quickly learn that any opinion you express may cause them to verbally attack you, either at the time or later. This is another method of destroying your self-esteem and confidence. After months of this technique, they begin telling you how lucky you are to have them — somebody who tolerates someone so inadequate and worthless as you.
Keep in mind, this same sense of entitlement will be used against you. If you disobey their desires or demands, or violate one of their rules, they feel they are entitled to punish you in any manner they see fit. They will notice a change in your personality or your withdrawal.
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The mention of your family members or friends will spark an angry response from them — eventually placing you in the situation where you stop talking about those you care about, even your own family members. Bad Stories People often let you know about their personality by the stories they tell about themselves. The stories a person tells informs us of how they see themselves, what they think is interesting, and what they think will impress you.
A humorous individual will tell funny stories on himself. They may tell you about past relationships and in every case, they assure you that they were treated horribly despite how wonderful they were to that person. Waitresses, clerks, or other neutral individuals will be treated badly. A mentally healthy person is consistent, they treat almost all people the same way all the time. If you find yourself dating a man who treats you like a queen and other females like dirt — hit the road. The Reputation As mentioned, mentally healthy individuals are consistent in their personality and their behavior.
Pay attention to the reputation. If the reputation has two sides, good and bad, your risk is high. You will be dealing with the bad side once the honeymoon is over in the relationship. Emotionally healthy and moral individuals will not tolerate friendships with losers that treat others so badly. You become paranoid as well — being careful what you wear and say. There is no need for your lover to participate in every activity you do.
It is healthy to have a few activities that you do on your own. However, if your lover attempts to prevent you from doing them, than a breakup is in order. Trust is vital for a successful relationship.
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If there is no trust, then the relationship is doomed to fail. If your lover is checking up on you, then they do not trust you. Your best course of action is to move on. There is never an excuse for public embarrassment, especially when it involves your lover. Unintentional situations occur all the time and as long as your lover realizes it then it is okay. If not, then there is a serious problem. In a healthy relationship, both sides should be content and satisfied with the other. If this is not the case, the dissatisfied one may show dissatisfaction with you, but in reality are dissatisfied with themselves.
No one is ever entitled to punish anyone at any time. If your lover ever feels they are entitled to punish you, your friends and family or even a stranger such as a driver on the road, then you need in the relationship soon. It would be silly to expect all your friends and family members to think your boyfriend is absolutely wonderful, but if the vast majority of them dislike your lover, then this could be a sign that something is seriously wrong.
If your lover has a negative or even violent past, then it is very likely that this will also be in their future. If your lover often talks about a negative past, then you might want to place them in your past as well and move on. A socially stable person treats everyone about the same. If your lover treats you well, but treats others of the opposite sex very poorly, then this how you will be treated in your future as well. Get out while you still can. Your lover's friends should think highly of him or her. However, if your lover's friends fall into two camps, one thinking your lover is great and the other thinking your lover is serious trouble, it is a sign of a serious problem.
You should be able to a talk about pretty much anything and behave like you would normally do around your lover. If you feel that you have to suppress behavior or conversation, then you need to get out of the relationship soon. Socially healthy people will feel empathy for other people's feelings and respect their opinions.
If your lover doesn't care about how others feel and disregards or gets angry about their opinions, that it is time to move on. Your behavior should not change much when you are with your lover. If you find that you are defending yourself, covering your tracks or even avoiding friends and family, then you should end the relationship soon.