When I first heard of the resurgence of Christian courtship, I was skeptical. So if I want to spend time with a girl, I have to arrange for our families to go to a pumpkin patch together, followed by an exciting evening of board games, and then go home by seven. Woo hoo—real practical for a guy just out of college, living in Southern California. There was a great deal of wisdom that I had never tapped into. Many books propose different forms of biblical dating, but the fact is that no one ever dated in the Bible. In some passages the parents arranged the marriage, and in other places we read of men going to foreign countries to capture their wives.
The idea of traveling overseas and capturing a wife may be appealing to some, but the Bible does provide guidelines that are more practical. If that is a good description of our relationships, they need some reworking.
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Some may retort that this is all too serious, but should we be giving our hearts away to people who are in no position to make a real commitment? I am not proposing that you build an impenetrable wall around your heart, but that you guard it with prudence.
The time spent prior to marriage must be a school of love where two young people learn the art of forgetting self for the good of the other. While there is nothing wrong with becoming friends and spending time with members of the opposite sex, committed relationships should be entered into for the sake of discerning marriage. When we do enter into relationships, we should allow wisdom to chaperone romance.
This involves having the humility to become accountable to others. Find a member of the same sex that you look up to, and go to him or her for guidance in your relationships. Not only does it honor the parents, it also helps you get to know the family that you may one day join.
Finally—and this may be a real eye-opener: How this person treats his or her family will likely be how he or she treats you when the feelings taper off.
For example, if you are a young woman dating a guy who is disrespectful toward his mother and sisters, but is a perfect gentleman around you, guess what you have to look forward to if you settle down with him. The type of time a guy and girl spend together is essential if they wish to ground their relationship in reality. Spending time in service, with family, and even playing sports will help reveal who the person really is. It is a practice run of making the formal decision to forsake all others on the day you exchange vows.
Stages Of A Traditional Catholic Courtship
In courtship, you do forsake all others, but not as a vow, but rather as a trial run. Because it means exclusivity, courtship needs to be a short period of time, and have a definitive end. It cannot be open ended. Otherwise, you risk hurting each other in a way you do not wish to, but can simply because you are not yet married. It risks looking like and acting like you are married, when you have not formally made the commitment. It risks giving in to the temptation to do that one thing reserved ONLY to married couples because you become so used to each other and, what the heck, you love each other and are practically married anyway, so why not?
At the practical level, you want to be in courtship for a short time, with the agreement to get engaged or end the relationship at the end of that time period. This ensures that hearts are not too invested beyond repair, and that both persons are able to become available to new persons.
The difference between courtship and dating
Another reason courtship is usually entered into when both are pretty certain they have found the one is because the reality of starting over from scratch with a new person and going through the process again is draining and deflating. When you have done it once, you are not inclined to do it again. It is much too involved and comes at a high price. So courtship should not be used interchangeably with dating, and should not be entered into lightly. However, if it the courtship does not work out, you have avoid rushing into a marriage that you may likely have regretted later.
Courtship, as a process, ensures that all the right steps have been taken and all the right things have been talked about in order to come to the closest conclusion possible that you are in love and want to spend the rest of your life with this person. I usually advise couples in courtship to make sure they have taken a good, long road trip together so they can experience all the sides of each other, which a long road trip seems to bring out.
I assume at this point my focus on courtship has provided some insight into what dating is. First, dating is NOT courtship. The best way to describe dating is that it is a sampling process. You date in order to sample the person. You have realized you want to be married and have learned more about yourself and the kind of person you are attracted to from your dating experience.
What's the difference between dating and courtship? - Chastity
Some people never stop sampling. In fact, they unfortunately allow themselves to cheapen their offering by showing they only want to sample, and never purchase. You know the many sample food stations in Costco? I know a man who told me he goes in there to have lunch by partaking in all the sample stations, and then leaves.
As if Costco is in business to hand out free lunches. Single persons who want to get married are in this same situation. They are putting themselves out there to sample in hopes to find a buyer. This particularly pertains to women, since men are the purchasers the ones who propose.