Why are asian parents so strict about dating

I know it, and my friends know it, entering into the relationship.

Daughter fears Asian parents will disapprove of her true love, an African-American man

The time it takes me to realize the similarity to past relationships is becoming much faster. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? You keep wrongly associating every connection with hurt because of the one that flattened you when you were younger, less confident, and vulnerable. Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays at thestar. Copyright owned or licensed by Toronto Star Newspapers Limited. To order copies of Toronto Star articles, please go to: By Ellie Advice Columnist. Ellie, advice, column Q: I stopped dating for years, to focus on school and avoid drama with my family.

Your parents are unlikely to change, especially since they resort to harsh threats.

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The Same Guy A: You had high-school-level emotions. My Star location Select Location. I dunno how long you were together, but any time I'd start thinking "wow, I'm not sure if I can put up with this" , realize that she's likely done it her whole life. This was my life while in college. I'd call home at night to "check in" and then go out anyway. If I had to guess, I'd say she's not lying to you. Fighting that standard is not easy since it's almost a given that not a single person from this community will fight on your side.

Even if they agree with you. So you either have to be willing to walk completely away from the biggest and most constant and probably most damaging thing in your life or just stick with it and hope you see a light at the end of the tunnel.

And it's hard to walk away because Indian parents do a VERY good job at making sure their kids especially daughters don't have the chance to be too independent and don't feel that they'd be ok on their own. From the outside looking in it's almost impossible to understand and seems almost silly. Lots of people end up giving the "you're an adult, do what you want" advice, but it's not actually that simple.

To answer your question, yes, they can and it's supposedly for good reasons like to focus on school, but it limits life very much. There will be a lot of stuff missing if one follows their asian parents: Thanks for enlightening me. It really does help me to get over her knowing how tough it might be for her. I can understand, my relationships haven't been interfered too much by my parents but I didn't have any when I lived with them, and I didn't really tell them about anyone when I was in college until I thought it was getting serious.

But, my friend was a very similar situation, and a lot of my asian friends have been in that kind of situation where their parents are super harsh on them especially when they get a boyfriend. I know it seems abusive, and it sure looked that way to me when I grew up and looked at what western parenting looked like in the scope compared to eastern, but there's nothing she could have done about it. Like she said, severing with her parents would have basically been like being excommunicated. It's not really the same situation, but a friend's cousin came out of the closet and as a result the family completely cut off communication from her except for some of the youngest generation who hadn't been brainwashed by their parents.

It really sucks to lose all of your family no matter how fucked up and mentally abusive they can be because we grow up thinking they are our support system whether or not they are actually giving us support , and in some cases the stress can build up to a point where she had to break up with you because she couldn't break off with her family completely. I hope she grows to get through it because I know it can suck really bad and might eventually turn to her being set up in an arranged marriage.

I'm sorry to hear that, thanks for the insight. We tried to be friends after breaking up but it didn't work. She did try to explain at one of our breakup talks that she felt she had to choose between me or her family, and she was likely to lose one of them. And throughout the relationship she only ever hinted at being scared of a 'forced' arranged marriage in her future, she couldn't even talk about it directly. So it's not unusual that she's had to go to the length of severing me from her life to not torment herself or lead me on?

Want to add to the discussion?

By that I mean indefinite NC. I've deleted her number, etc. To me this seems extreme, unless she really just wanted to let me down gently and not lead me on. However if everything you say is true, I'd honestly expect her to choose family over a year-long first love and wish her all the best for the future. Yeah, I don't think it's that unusual. My friend is Tamil and the girl he was dating also happened to be Tamil. They grew up with similar backgrounds, but her family was very unsupportive of relationships.

His was super open and had become fairly "Americanized".

My relationship sticking point: her strict Asian parents. Advice welcome.

They ended up having to break up because her family was super unapproving of her dating and being in a relationship, plus they were giving her no support in her own personal life. Even in their case, where culturally they were pretty similar, it didn't really end well for them. They still have feelings for each other, but my friend has pretty much accepted that he's gotta either stand by and wait for her to deal with her own problems or move on. Whenever I see posts like this, I ask myself the following list of questions.

Do their parents wish their children happiness in their lives? If so, do they understand they are independent adult human beings with normal societal, relational, psychological, sexual, physical, etc, needs?


Do they truly believe they can help or outright meet all such needs? Those guidelines and restrictions, are they ultimately for their own sake or their children's well-being? Once you peel off that layer of facade It's for your own good. What would you do if you found yourself helpless, wronged, etc??

Easier said than done, and also I'm not a parent, so I have no idea how it really feels like. Maybe I will become a stereotypical asian parent one day, as much as I dread the thought of it. But I do hope that I can sometimes remember the thoughts I have now to help myself steer away from letting my emotions take over and inadvertently sacrifice valuable life experiences of my future children.

Embrace Self-Love and Realize Them For Who They Are

My posting history details my struggle in dealing with read: He feels he may be disowned if he stands up to them about us being together. So, we are waiting until I am the most 'presentable' I can be to avoid fallout before I am introduced to them. They do not know about me. I just gave up on dating because I don't have it in me to deal with that mess: Sending you happy vibes though, hope you get through it.

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Can white parents be strict enough to interfere with your dating life-i. The answer is the same whether you are white or Asian: If you're an adult? It is really up to the person in question whether or not they want to allow their parent to have that degree of control over their life. It can also be a convenient out of a relationship if the other person buys into stereotypes about strict Asian parents, on the other hand, ha. Use of this site constitutes acceptance of our User Agreement and Privacy Policy.

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