But as time went by, their physical relationship slowly began to accelerate, and they wound up sleeping together. Soon afterward they broke up, discouraged and hurt. The pastor telling the story saw both of them years later at a high school reunion. Jenny was now married and had a child. Eric was still single. But both came to him separately and expressed emotional trauma and guilt over past memories. Eric expressed similar feelings.
When I see her, the hurt comes back, he told his former youth pastor. The wounds still havent healed.
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When the youth minister had finished telling this story, you could have heard a pin drop. We all sat waiting for some sort of solution. We knew the reality of the story he told. Some of us had made the same mistake or watched it happen in the lives of our friends. We wanted something better. We wanted the pastor to tell us what we were supposed to do instead.
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But he gave no alternative that afternoon, Evidently the pastor thought the couple's only mistake was giving in to temptation. He seemed to think that Eric and Jenny should have had more respect for each other and more self-control. Although this pastor encouraged a different outcome saving sex for marriage he didnt offer a different practice. Is this the answer? Head out on the same course as those who have fallen and hope that in the critical moment youll be able to stay in control?
Giving young people this kind of advice is like giving a person a cart that swerves and sending him into a store stocked with the worlds most expensive Chinaware. Despite the narrow aisles and glass shelves laden with delicate dishes, this person is expected to navigate the rows with a cart known to go off course? I dont think so. Yet this is exactly what we try in many of our relationships. We see the failed attempts around us, but we refuse to replace this cart called dating.
We want to stay on the straight and narrow path and serve God, yet we continue a practice that often pull us in the wrong direction. Dating has built-in problems, and if we continue to date according to the system as it is today, well more than likely swerve into trouble.
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Eric and Jenny probably had good intentions, but they founded their relationship on our cultures defective attitudes and patterns for romance. Unfortunately, even in their adulthood they continue to reap the consequences.
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The following seven habits of highly defective dating are some of the swerves dating relationships often make. Perhaps you can relate to one or two of them. I know I can! Jayme was a junior in high school; her boyfriend, Troy, was a senior. Troy was everything Jayme ever wanted in a guy, and for eight months they were inseparable.
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But two months before Troy left for college, he abruptly announced that he didnt want to see Jayme anymore. When we broke up it was definitely the toughest thing thats ever happened to me, Jayme told me afterward.
Even though theyd never physically gone beyond a kiss, Jayme had completely given her heart and emotions to Troy. Troy had enjoyed the intimacy while it served his needs but then rejected her when he was ready to move on. Does Jaymes story sound familiar to you?
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Perhaps youve heard something similar from a friend, or maybe youve experienced it yourself. Like many dating relationships, Jayme and Troys became intimate with little or no thought about commitment or how either of them would be affected when it ended. We can blame Troy for being a jerk, but lets ask ourselves a question. Whats really the point of most dating relationships? Often dating encourages intimacy for the sake of intimacy two people getting close to each other without any real intention of making a long-term commitment.
Deepening intimacy without defining a level of commitment is plainly dangerous. Its like going mountain climbing with a partner who isnt sure that she wants the responsibility of holding your rope. When youve climbed two thousand feet up a mountain face, you dont want to have a conversation about how she feels tied down by your relationship.
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In the same way, many people experience deep hurt when they open themselves up emotionally and physically only to be abandoned by others who proclaim theyre not ready for serious commitment. An intimate relationship is a beautiful experience that God wants us to enjoy. But He has made the fulfillment of intimacy a byproduct of commitment-based love.
You might say that intimacy between a man and a woman is the icing on the cake of a relationship headed toward marriage. And if we look at intimacy that way, then most dating relationships are pure icing. They usually lack a purpose or clear destination. In most cases, especially in high school, dating is short term, serving the needs of the moment. People date because they want to enjoy the emotional and even physical benefits of intimacy without the responsibility of real commitment. In fact, thats what the original revolution of dating was all about.
Dating hasnt been around forever. As I see it, dating is a product of our entertainment-driven, disposable-everything American culture.
Long before Seventeen magazine ever gave teenagers tips on dating, people did things very differently. At the turn of the twentieth century, a guy and girl became romantically involved only if they planned to marry. If a young man spent time at a girls home, family and friends assumed that he intended to propose to her. But shifting attitudes in culture and the arrival of the automobile brought radical changes. The new rules allowed people to indulge in all the thrills of romantic love without having any intention of marriage.
Author Beth Bailey documents these changes in a book whose title, From Front Porch to Backseat, says everything about the difference in societys attitude when dating became the norm. Love and romance became things people could enjoy solely for their recreational value.
Though much has changed since the s, the tendency of dating relationships to move toward intimacy without commitment remains very much the same. For Christians this negative swerve is at the root of dating problems. Intimacy without commitment awakens desiresemotional and physicalthat neither person can justly meet.
In 1 Thessalonians 4: Pastor Stephen Olford describes defrauding as arousing a hunger we cannot righteously satisfy promising something we cannot or will not provide. Intimacy without commitment, like icing without cake, can be sweet, but it ends up making us sick. Jack met Libby on a church-sponsored college retreat. Libby was a friendly girl with a reputation for taking her relationship with God seriously. Jack and Libby wound up chatting during a game of volleyball and seemed to really hit it off. Jack wasnt interested in an intense relationship, but he wanted to get to know Libby better.
Two days after the retreat he called her up and asked if shed like to go out to a movie the next weekend. Did Jack right move? Well, he did in terms of scoring a date, but if he really wanted to build a friendship, he more than likely struck out. One-on-one dating has the tendency to move a guy and girl beyond friendship and toward romance too quickly.
Have you ever known someone who worried about dating a long-time friend? If you have, youve probably heard that person say something like this: He asked me out, but Im just afraid that if we start actually dating it will change our friendship. What is this person really saying?
People who make statements like that, whether or not they realize it, recognize that dating encourages romantic expectations, in a true friendship you dont feel pressured by knowing you like the other person or that he or she likes you back. You feel free to be yourself and do things together without spending three hours in front of the mirror, making sure you look perfect. Lewis describes friendship as two people walking side by side toward a common goal.
Their mutual interest brings them together. Jack skipped this commonality stage by asking Libby out on a typical, no-brainer, dinner-and-movie date where their coupleness was the focus. In dating, romantic attraction is often the relationships cornerstone. The premise of dating is Im attracted to you; therefore, lets get to know each other.