Now, after messaging 87 different ladies, none of whom have replied either. My goal is now a nihilistic one: I want to get to people messaged with no reply before quitting for good. Can you help me get a happier ending? Hide your profiles, or delete them, for at least a month. This is not the right frame of mind to meet anyone. Would you go to the movies if going to the movies made you feel miserable? Take a breather and focus on other ways that you enjoy spending your time.
This is a bit self-defeating. Imagine reading an advertisement for a product you were interested in, with a footnote that read: Imagine me coming over to your home. At least half the men are excluded because they have pets and I am very allergic to animals. Love your dog and your profile picture has a dog? I will pass over you. Say you are an animal lover in your profile? Every man I have messaged that has a pet says "too bad - I love my pet". But just one of the reasons I do not message you. I actually READ the profile to see if there is compatibility. Want a girlfriend who is kosher?
Want a girlfriend who is a great cook? Want a girlfriend who likes casual sex how is sex casual? Want an animal lover?
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Have a fifth grade education and want a woman who can keep house? If you just want flattery, don't expect it on the internet. It is nice to get messages, but if the guy is completely incompatible in many ways, why do I have to send a message? I don't expect men who do not like my online profile to message me either.
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The fact that I get dozens of messages from completely unsuitable men does not mean I am ignoring "nice guys". Your neighbor is "nice". Is she dating material for you? My neighbors are "nice". Are they suitable dating material for me? If so, I would be married by now. Very difficult to find a suitable partner on line or anywhere. I'll admit that I ignore most of the messages I get on okcupid.
I'm not interested in forcing myself into a relationship with someone that I'm really not attracted to. It frustrates me that so often do people think that just because they're "nice" they deserve a shot and that simply isn't how attraction works. Men especially think this way. If you're nice and I'm not attracted to you, that makes you good friend material, but if I have to kiss you, I'm going to be forcing myself to do it.
That doesn't even take into account sex. I'm not going to date you so why bother? I also ignore or block creepy messages for which I get a lot. If you're okay looking and you message me about something we're both interested in I will reply. If I replied to every single message, even the ones I wasn't attracted to, I would have to be talking to at least 15 different guys every day.
And they would probably continue talking to me for a week at least. That's around different people I would have to talk to by the end of my first week. Almost all of those guys will probably be ones I'm not interested in so why would I bother? It will be a waste of time for both of us. Also you can't TELL a guy you're not interested. I've done this, I've tried to be nice, I'll even say "Hey you really like 'A' and I'm more of a 'B' kind of girl" or "you smoke and I'm not really a fan, but good luck!
I get people desperately trying to tell me those things shouldn't matter if we connect on such and such another level that maybe doesn't matter to me. Clearly I can't make my own decision on who's worthy of my time and I should just accept all these supposedly nice guys that flip the moment I'm not interested. This also doesn't mean all guys are like this. There have been maybe 3 that I told them I wasn't interested in after talking to them and why and they went on their merry way.
If the majority of messages women receive are juvenile, insulting, generic or just plain creepy, why is it that those rare men who study women's profiles the written ones and craft each message around the woman's likes, dislikes, hobbies, etc, still receive almost no replies? And speaking of likes and dislikes, has anyone noticed that in many areas men and women like different things?
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How many men will say "Hey, I like romance novels too! I am a woman who loathes romance novels and films , but loves martial arts revenge films. I am not saying this to be funny. You should absolutely put that in your profile.
You will get more messages juvenile and otherwise , almost guaranteed. While I certainly appreciate the desire to write about the travails of online dating I find your claim that this is the whole story from the male and female perspectives to be laughable. The whole story is likely impossible to tell but any story told from the perspective of two individuals to describe the experience of tens of millions of people is bound to be a bit shortsighted. I think that a large part of the problem with online dating is how we view ourselves and others.
The vast majority of profiles I've seen read like job applications. It seems as if a healthy smattering of keywords is all that is required to share who we are as individuals.
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The majority of profiles are as similar as mainstream medias concept of beauty. In the end there isn't much to differentiate one profile from another. On rare occasions someone has shown a willingness to write something unique. A rare individual that is capable of thinking for themselves and doesn't feel the need to be a carbon copy of what society tells us are our desirable traits. Of the hundreds of profiles I've viewed this past few years I have come across a handful less than 10 and closer to 5 of women that stand apart from the crowd.
That is a very desirable trait in my search. A few years ago I had a profile on okcupid. I uploaded a few decent pictures of myself. I received a lot of views and a decent amount of messages. A year ago I created a new profile on okcupid and uploaded one picture that makes it somewhat more difficult to tell what I look like.
This time around I've received considerably less profile views and considerably less messages.
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I have no way of knowing how okcupid may treat my profile due to this difference but I have experienced enough to know that women just like men are swayed by physical appearance. Fortunately i am content with who I am as a person and recognize that at this stage of my life I am looking for a woman to connect with intellectually, emotionally and spiritually.
Certainly for myself physical attraction is important but it has moved from the top of my list to the bottom. I wish I could state that my shifting ideals have made it easier to find potential partners but in reality it is now immeasurably more difficult. In a society that values shallow beliefs, physical beauty, and cultural uniformity my attempt to find a truly unique individual has so far been unsuccessful. Due to my differing belief system actually formed by myself through a couple decades of searching both inside and out utilizing the internet to find a partner provides slightly better odds than winning the lottery without buying a ticket.
To those still looking. May your search prove fruitful and may you not only find a partner but perhaps yourself along the way. What an intelligent, well-crafted description. I have to ask, I really have to, but I already know the answer: Where are the men who treat words this way? You would think they would know how to treat a woman, too.
Obviously not on Websites, which is why there is hope in this world, that past the wave of flat, online-dating lameness perhaps people will once again resort to real Life to get one Thank you, this is refreshing. It has become clear to me with the passing of the years that my knowledge and understanding are very limited much to my own consternation.
However I will do my best to explain the situation as I see it. My answer will likely seem off topic and possibly confusing. Unfortunately the real issue, as is almost always the case with problems we are facing today, exists far beyond the usual scope of answers proffered. For a large society to function social stratification must be present. When a population expands beyond a relatively small number it is impossible for everyone to have an equal voice as the time and energy requirements would preclude the accomplishment of the necessary workloads.